“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Seems kinda suspicious
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Squirrels before girls.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.