Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Art by Pastelkatto

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!