“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
They did not miss in the small print
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.