“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*bites zombie*
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.