“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now