Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

ㅤ

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.