Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

guys i’ve cracked the code

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart