Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*