Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
greetings!
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.