Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!