Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!