“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.