Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
normalize having existential bread
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.