Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.