Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can Happiness buy money?

Me too 😆

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”