Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

🐕🍷

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming