Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
☠️
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
aura
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business