Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
This makes total sense…
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.