Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Become ungovernable.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My dog ate my work from home.
The smoothest fall of all time
Beware of the dog..