Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
