Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

lost dog

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

You look like you would fail a DNA test

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.