“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
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me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, Whatâs exactly your problem đ
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, yaâll.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
đđđ
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
May the fourth be with you and if youâre married, may the back and forth be with you
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . đđ¤Ł
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
women donât pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Wow. Just found out that in England theyâre called âAlvin and the Crispmunksâ.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
respect
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Our movers are finally here and Iâm realizing my husband labeled boxes like âbooks, prob.â
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.