“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I triple waxed for this?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
when people give me directions and say “you can’t miss it” buddy you have no idea what i’m capable of
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.