“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
checking out some reviews of my local library
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
idk what he going thru but i feel him
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”