“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.