Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.