Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

The news is so predictable nowadays

#Caturday

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

My neck, my back, my…

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

#parenting

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.