“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
You Might Also Like
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
🤣😂
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
It’s on my to-do list.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.