“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.