is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
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If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I am, perchance
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The median voter
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.