is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Good morning.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
More like Kate Missington.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”