Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

🤣😂

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Ummm

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

A French press is when you hug naked

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”