Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
That’s classic.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss