Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower