@nachdermas

is the Gap going to kill me in two days

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@maisonshouting

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

@TheAlexNevil

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

@Darlainky

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

@_odlanyeR

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@DaHess1

A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.

@KentWGraham

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

@peachesanscream

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.