70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.