Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
the clam before the storm
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.