@nachdermas

is the Gap going to kill me in two days

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@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

@DraggingFeeties

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

@TheCiscoKidder

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

@clean_not_sober

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

@LlamaInaTux

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

@Smug_Lemur

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

@BackrowSeats

Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?

@michael_hendrix

Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

@CoreyKeyz

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.