MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.