Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

My sex drive has a dui

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.