Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Dishonest mechanic?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST