@Swishergirl24

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

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@lincnotfound

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@UnFitz

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@IamJackBoot

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

@MKupperman

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

@EJGomez

angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross

mary: i have a boyfriend

@daemonic3

Which of these is a deadly virus?
A) Bola
B) Bola
C) Bola
D) Bola
E) Bola