is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut