Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
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one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
You can’t outrun your problems…
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation