Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*