Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
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[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Well, shit
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
#titanic
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE