Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.