Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
KFC hitting the cannibal market
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
How your email finds me
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive