is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me, in DM rooms…
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
no such thing as a dumb question
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.