Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
The photographer’s assistant
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I have a new favorite meme page
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE