Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that