Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’ve been lied to my entire life
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Lmbo
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening