Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
uncle dave has been through hell
*orders delivery*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
incredible text to wake up to
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss