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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Proctology is located in A55
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.