Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”