Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Can confirm.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first