Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
You Might Also Like
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)