“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
You Might Also Like
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀