“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.