Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.