“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I never needed anything more in my life
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Saturday