@FunnyBison

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

- @FunnyBison

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“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

@FU_TangClan

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

@qwertying

Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.

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@TweetsByKaylee

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dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

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dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

@trojansauce

[me as a gynaecologist]
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@fro_vo

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ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

@MaryJustice86

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

@KattsDogma

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.