“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo