Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar