Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food