Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

“FOUND ‘EM!”

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha