Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

i meant to share this earlier

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.