Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed