@maybenotstef

Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?

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@WheelTod

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@jake_lach

She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@TheAlexNevil

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

@GinAndJif

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.