Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

How dramatic are you?

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.