“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad