“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.