Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.