Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

accurate

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.