is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
so weird how every mom was born today
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
murder on the timeline
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault