is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
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Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry