Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”