is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
this is the news I live for
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Finished stitching this today 😇
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip