It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Mhm.