Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside